First of all sorry for not writing for such a long time second of all… I don’t know what to say.
It’s been one hell of a month. In the last 3 years December is always a wacked up month for me. But I always have to look straight I guess.
Lately, I’ve doubted myself a lot more then usual which is horrible for my self-esteem and being positive blah that’s all I have to say to that.
I’ve been acting weird lately. First is not making eye contact with people I like and hate and avoiding all my friends unless I feel like talking. It’s odd.
Secondly I’ve doubted myself for the future. I find myself trailing threw my thoughts thinking about who will I be. I close my eyes and think. I see a loser being alone no one not even family I also see a liar, thief, drug user, Alcohol user I see negatives. If you know me, I am none of those things (Even though I do lie often, and I “borrow” things from my family without asking) it’s hard especially when I do try to see positive, I see high expectations. I see myself going threw hell trying to achieve my goals. I want to give up so badly I want to give up and I always do I feel like all the things I try to do. I will never be good enough for anyone. I think to myself often and think wow. I can be so much more. I lay in my bed or watch tv a lot. Usually when I am actually watching tv. I lose myself in my thoughts. I often tell myself all these negative things. Then I go to bed. And think more. And those nights I work (if I haven’t mentioned it already my hours been cut to one day a week for 3 hours.) so that one night I work. I am so happy. I love working it’s the only thing I actually like. I feel confident when I work. It gets everything off my mind.
Thirdly, I feel like I keep letting myself down. I always wanted to make vlogs and make characters and put these characters on youtube and all this other shaniagans. And I find myself putting the creativity away. And just continue being depressed. It sucks. It really does.
My last thing is that I feel so ashamed all the time to be who I am I can’t be myself so I always have to watch what I say. I can never be myself. I always feel stupid, and something I also do is stumble over my words when I read it’s so embarrassing then people laugh at me. Then I laugh at myself. And that just makes me feel like an idiot. But see Im so used to being laughed at. I kind of just ignore it. I don’t know.
The positive out of this negative situation.
It WILL be over soon I know that and most teenagers don’t realise that until their shoving 50 Advil pills down their throats and getting their friends mom to drive them to the hospital and a year or two later they will realise that some accidents are meant to happen. And they might also realise that high school is 4 short years. That’s what I recently realised.
I have so many things to look forward to which might make me or break me.
Even though I’m going to fail maybe 1 class this semester EVERY mistake is fixable. I can take a credit recovery or do it online summer school I don’t know just don’t let the negative bring you down you are who you are. And you are obviously here for a reason. And like the title says theirs positive out of every negative. Like all of this stuff going on right now. Makes me realise who my real friends are, it doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends for 11 days or 11 years. If you knew me you would know my head and my heart is in the right place if I see someone crying I always think what if that was me. I usually make myself look like an idiot and go talk to them and sometime you could make a friend out of it.
Now im just rambling…
I don't know.
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